Rules of Engagement – Divorce Warfare

May 20, 2011 by Vaught Law Firm, P.C.

As soon as you file for divorce, and when your spouse is served, a standing order goes into effect in Travis County and Hays County. The order is quite broad, but the section that sets out the Conduct of the Parties during the Case is important for everyone involved in a divorce to understand.
It is prohibited to speak, write, email, text, or communicate with the other party in a vulgar, profane, obscene, indecent language or a coarse or offensive manner. I think that most spouses in the course of a divorce have these thoughts. However, the real key to getting through the divorce is to realize that these are INSIDE THOUGHTS. It’s okay to have them. What’s not okay is for you to communicate this to your spouse, his or her parents, friends, or anyone else, other than a therapist or trusted ally. Your spouse probably already knows how you feel. You don’t need to tell him/her again. And if you can’t refrain from communicating in this fashion, you make yourself vulnerable to having the court’s opinion of you being based on these angry outcries. It won’t help your case, it won’t make your spouse quit doing whatever it is, and it most certainly will be something you will regret, either immediately or eventually.
You are also specifically prohibited from calling your spouse repeatedly, or at all hours, just to harass him/her. These records are not difficult to obtain, and again, you will not further your goal by giving your spouse fodder to discredit you.
Do not open or divert mail addressed to your spouse I am sure you have heard it for years, but remember, tampering with the U.S. mail is a FEDERAL offence. This rule is also applies for email. Hacking into your spouse’s email account is a felony, and you could be indicted and convicted. There are valid legal measures in which to obtain relevant information from your spouse.

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Send Lawyers, Guns & Money

May 18, 2011 by Vaught Law Firm, P.C.

One of the most frequent questions I get is “how much will my divorce cost?”  The answer is “I don’t know.”  I realize that most of us, as adults, would never in their right minds buy something when they don’t know the price tag.  It’s unfortunate, but it is just one of the uncertainties that you have to live with during a divorce.  There are many factors that determine the cost of a divorce.

Your lawyer’s billing rate is a factor.  Higher billing rates usually signal that a lawyer has an established reputation, handles complex matters, and has enough work so that they don’t have to take every case that comes in the door.  That said, more is not always better, but cheap is rarely good.  Hiring the most expensive attorney for a matter that isn’t complex is not always a bad idea.  Some people like to feel absolutely sure that they have the best advice, and it may be worth it for peace of mind.  I’m happy to take a case like that.  However, if you can’t or don’t want to spend the money, call our office.  We can refer you to a lot of younger, less expensive lawyers that are eager to take these types of cases.  You could even consult with a big dog lawyer periodically during the case, just to sleep better at night.  What you don’t want to do is choose a young lawyer without a referral from someone you know has the skinny on this lawyer.

Another factor in the price of a divorce is the quality of the lawyer your spouse chooses, or if they get a lawyer at all.  The worst possible scenario in a divorce is to have the other side represent themselves.  Everything takes longer, and other than the internet, they have no one to explain things, or manage their expectations.  Quite often this will result in one or more hearings in front of a judge, and that means extra expense.  The second worst case would be their getting a lawyer who either doesn’t practice family law full time, or is just a really bad lawyer.

Another factor is what I like to call “high school drama.”  If you and your spouse constantly engage each other in silly antics just to keep each other inflamed, and call or email our office after every inconsequential incident, your bill will increase significantly.  If you cannot exchange your children without the local police, or you cannot refrain from engaging with your spouse without fighting, your attorney will be constantly billing you to call the opposing counsel and tell him/her to have their client stop doing whatever is annoying you, and often find out that our client has been somewhat culpable in the current spat, too.

Obviously, divorces including complex assets, especially those with closely held businesses that must be valued, or mixtures of separate and community property that must be traced, will have fees paid to forensic CPA’s or business valuation experts.  These can be quite expensive, but if there is a fight about these assets, and their value is large enough, then it is absolutely necessary.

Finally, if one or more of the spouses is impaired, either by drugs, alcohol, mental illness (bi-polar, depression), or is just out for revenge (this also might be called a personality disorder), then there are additional fees and time spent on psychological examinations, parenting facilitators, mental health professionals for the family, especially for the
children, and sometimes an independent attorney that represents solely the children (called an attorney ad litem).

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Co-Parenting with your ex: Interruptions on your time

May 5, 2011 by Vaught Law Firm, P.C.

One of the biggest hurdles in co-parenting is for each parent to understand that on their time with the children, they can do whatever they would like to do with that child, and it should be free of excessive interruptions from the other parent. That said, depending on the age of the children, if your child asks you to let them talk with the other parent, you should allow it. Obviously, if your child just was punished for something, and wants to whine and tattle to the other parent, that’s a different situation.

It’s normal for children to miss the parent that they are not currently with. Of course you would like to think they miss you, too. Understanding their need to stay connected will go a long way to assure the child of his/her place in the world.
It is not normal for a child to be instructed by one parent to call constantly while they are with the other parent, or for that parent to interrupt with inconsequential calls, dropping by with concocted emergencies, or the like. That is a signal that the interrupting parent is overly controlling or is terribly insecure about their child’s love and affection.
Children that are younger than four years old should have frequent contact with both parents, since a young child’s ability to realize that someone who is “out of sight” is not gone forever may not be developed. Some children may be more fearful that others are, and being able to touch base with the other parent will allow both parents time with the child when he/she isn’t anxious, crying or frightened.
Older children (getting younger all the time) often have cell phones, and can text and call both their parents frequently, without interrupting the visit. Unless it becomes excessive, it is probably better to allow it to happen. What isn’t normal is when you feel like the children are “reporting” back to the other parent.

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Learn from the Celebrities!

Apr 30, 2011 by Vaught Law Firm, P.C.

As soon as you file for divorce, and when your spouse is served, a standing order goes into effect in Travis County and Hays County. The order is quite broad, but the section that sets out the Conduct of the Parties during the Case is important for everyone involved in a divorce to understand.
It is prohibited to speak, write, email, text, or communicate with the other party in a vulgar, profane, obscene, indecent language or a coarse or offensive manner. I think that most spouses in the course of a divorce have these thoughts. However, the real key to getting through the divorce is to realize that these are INSIDE THOUGHTS. It’s okay to have them. What’s not okay is for you to communicate this to your spouse, his or her parents, friends, or anyone else, other than a therapist or trusted ally. Your spouse probably already knows how you feel. You don’t need to tell him/her again. And if you can’t refrain from communicating in this fashion, you make yourself vulnerable to having the court’s opinion of you being based on these angry outcries. It won’t help your case, it won’t make your spouse quit doing whatever it is, and it most certainly will be something you will regret, either immediately or eventually.
You are also specifically prohibited from calling your spouse repeatedly, or at all hours, just to harass him/her. These records are not difficult to obtain, and again, you will not further your goal by giving your spouse fodder to discredit you.  Look at how embarrassed Alex Baldwin was when his recording about his daughter being a pig was heard by MILLIONS of people.

Do not open or divert mail addressed to your spouse.   I am sure you have heard it for years, but remember, tampering with the U.S. mail is a FEDERAL offence. This rule is also applies for email. Hacking into your spouse’s email account is a felony, and you could be indicted and convicted. There are valid legal measures in which to obtain relevant information from your spouse.

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Pain Free Divorce

Apr 27, 2011 by Vaught Law Firm, P.C.

Collaborative law is an alternative method for families that are divorcing, but want to minimize the impact of the traditional divorce using litigation. For certain couples or parties, it is a great way to discuss issues of money, children, or other property and work towards a win-win situation for all. Not all couples or parties are good candidates for the collaborative process. The parties need to have mutual respect and trust in each other, and that’s not always the case. Infidelity is the prime example of an act during the marriage that will have eroded trust, possibly to the point that the collaborative process can’t work the way it should. Also, if a couple’s relationship has extreme power issues, it might not be the best choice.
In the traditional litigation method, almost always, there is usually a perceived “winner” and a “loser.” This sets up a dynamic that will impact the co-parenting of children for the rest of their childhood. The collaborative process is designed to have the parties look to the future, so that each party is able to establish themselves in a new life instead of feeling abandoned in the former life.
Collaborative law is not often less expensive than traditional litigation. Each party retains their own attorney, and they jointly hire an appropriate mental health expert and a financial expert. The mental health expert works with the family to help facilitate co-parenting, and to make sure that all of the concerns of each spouse are voiced and dealt with. The financial expert works with each party to show what assets and liabilities are part of the community, and tries to suggest scenarios that divide the property available in the best way to make sure that both spouses have what they need to establish their new lives. Obviously, there are limitations due to what is available for division.

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Revenge!

Apr 25, 2011 by Vaught Law Firm, P.C.

 

I hate you!

In any divorce or other family law issue, there always is an underlying adversarial relationship because it’s human nature to compete for the best outcome for yourself, and most of the time, that’s healthy. However, when looking out for your best interests crosses the line to revenge, everyone loses. It’s almost impossible to ever extract enough revenge to put out the fury that an injured spouse or ex-spouse feels.
The judicial system is not empowered to extract revenge. All it can do is award a disproportionate share of the community assets. It cannot award one spouse’s separate assets to the other spouse. Often, clients want to go to trial because they want their day in court to publicly humiliate the offending spouse. It rarely works out that way. Some judges take the opportunity to scold the offending spouse, but it is never enough to make the victimized spouse feel any better.
Some victimized spouses can never move past their anger. It’s sad to see someone who cannot, for whatever reason, put the past behind them and move forward. Their hate consumes their lives. Counseling can help, but I always tell my clients that the best revenge is getting on with your life and making it happy and productive.

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Don’t Be Haunted by Digital Dirt!

Mar 31, 2011 by Vaught Law Firm, P.C.

The internet has changed our lives in ways we never dreamed of and due to the personal nature of family law, it has evolved commensurately.  In the days of old, looking for proof of an affair or other personal information consisted of checking the trash and possibly looking at the phone bill.  Now, almost everything we do is digital, and therefore, discoverable.  Texts are fairly easy to convert to a giant exhibit at trial.  Emails are easily printed.  And, sadly, there is no magical “unsend” button.  Also, not just communications are discoverable, but also the social media that most people consider an extension of their personality is on the table.  I can’t tell you how many people come into my office with Facebook pages that include exploits, or allusions to activities that could be used against them during a divorce, custody or other family law matter.  You may have a great body but you don’t have to expose it on your social media page.  A young teacher in Austin was fired a few years ago after some of her students discovered a topless photo of her on the Flickr website. Many people think that if their security levels are high enough, that they are protected.  That is far from true, and if your embarrassing material ends up on sites that you don’t control, it may be impossible to delete.  I have spoken to many family law attorneys that have asked, during open court, for the person’s Facebook login and password, and the judge has ordered the person to supply both.  On a laptop, the judge can peruse the activity, and gain real insight into what is really going on in the person’s life.  And often, it’s not pretty.  Even some lawyers don’t get it.  I have seen one family lawyer who has their Facebook page linked from their professional website, and there are inappropriate photos of the lawyers.

The best policy, obviously, is to never allow anything on your social media pages, or send any message via email, voice, text, twitter, or otherwise, that you would not want to have read in open court in front of everyone you care about.

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